We obviously do not need to be anthropologists to have an interest in people and other cultures. Traveling to other countries allows one to be an observer and notice differences from both a larger picture of how systems are different as well as zoom into the details of life. Being in a new place can allow for our senses to become heightened taking in more information which can be exciting and contribute to a sense of aliveness and new possibilities.

What would it be like to bring this open minded sense of discovery closer to home, to your own home in fact, and perhaps even to yourself? When we assume we know all the ins and outs of ourselves and others, life can become boring, or we can feel stuck not realizing that we can create change.

When we live like we already can predict ourselves and others it is like living with blinders on, obscuring different possibilities from happening. Life gets small and monotonous at best or worse- unhealthy patterns of dysfunction continue. If we are able to open our field of vision and bring our awareness to what is occurring in the moment instead of allowing automatic reactions or expectations to control our experience, something fresh, new, inspiring, or interesting is bound to unfold.

Being an observer of what we are feeling, how we react, and the choices we make, bring insight and understanding. It is a function of efficiency to have core beliefs filter information and automatically make decisions based on the vast inventory of information we have from the past. But, there are times when these data banks need to be updated.
Effective psychotherapy helps to reassess old beliefs and cultivate self-awareness to explore and experience one’s inner landscape as well as takes you outside yourself facilitating an observation between you and the world. An understanding of the relationship between “you and you” needs to exist before an authentic relationship between you and the world can happen.

Self-awareness illuminates the interface between you and the outside world and, honors the sense of interconnectedness among people. Also, self-awareness uses the more evolved part of the brain, the pre-frontal cortex. Using this higher mind gains access to meaning and understanding and can intervene when automatic reactions based on fear, or old hurts arise.

For example, years ago when I was working at a Women’s Resource Center there was a woman who shared her story about how she used self-awareness to break the cycle of abuse by thinking about and verbally describing her emotions and actions as they were happening. As emotions between her and her son escalated, she raised her hand to reactively hit him and used her higher mind/observer self to report about it. As she said, “I am going to hit you”, her body stopped. She then began the process of making conscious choices, realizing she had the ability to respond according to what was real for her now, and not from the wounds or trauma of her past.

Merely thinking about oneself does not necessarily mean one is self-aware. For example, having experiences in the past that communicated that somehow we are not enough the way we are, can create wounds that affects the way we operate in the world. This may lead to a need of continually putting energy into trying to make oneself “better” or worthy, or accumulate more in effort to feel good about oneself. This kind of self-absorption limits our ability to connect with others on a higher level and paves the way for being selfish and valuing materialism.

We can learn and understand so much about ourselves when we are able to practice self-awareness. It can be an incredible and exciting discovery that leads to deeper, more interesting relationships and experiences. It starts with a journey inward and an exploration that requires nonjudgmental curiosity. Because so many outside influences become a part of what we learn is possible for ourselves, our relationships, and experiences, we are taking responsibility for the quality of our life when we pay attention to our process. When we take the time for the inward journey, our journey through life is profoundly more meaningful.

Originally published in the 02835 Journal

Because we are a small community there are many opportunities for contact with each other and chances for us to get to know and be known by our neighbors. There is meaning even in the small connections with others through daily contact with each other at the market, post office, church, hardware store, salon, pharmacy, restaurants, library, schools, ball fields, golf course, beaches, etc. There are many occasions in which we may reach out and touch one another everyday.

To touch others and to be touched is a gift; a physical, emotional and spiritual, life affirming gift. Research show that babies do not survive without caring touch even when given proper nutrition, they call this failure to thrive. But we all have a need to be cared for, loved, appreciated, known, and understood. As we grow, we manage the physical aspects of caring for ourselves, though the importance of finding nourishment in relationship continues.

When the Buddhist leader His Holiness the Daili Lama came to Salve Regina University in November, he spoke of the importance of teaching children (and learning ourselves) to be compassionate and loving. One way to practice this is through physical affection. He said that physical affection is life sustaining and called attention to the significant problems that arise when it is missing.

Cultivating compassion means having a warm heart, serving other people, helping others, respecting others, and being less selfish. It is having a deep awareness of the suffering or pain of another, coupled with the desire to relieve the suffering. Compassion is peaceful and gentle and powerful. The value of compassion is far reaching. It requires that our hearts are open and having our hearts open to ourselves and others is healing.

We actually benefit our own health and happiness when we practice compassion for others. A research study found that people who pray for others tend to live longer than those who do not pray for others. So when we are able to develop loving and compassionate feelings, even if they do not seem to benefit others in a direct way, we benefit just by generating them.

Our community was blessed by having a wonderful teacher of loving kindness, Tessa Pybas, who passed away last month. Tessa embodied compassion. A relatively small example of the large way she loved and touched others was evident when she was very sick in the hospital and needed to have her belongings packed up and moved out of her house. The day the moving truck was scheduled about fifteen women showed up. They showed up with loving hearts and helping hands and carefully moved the contents of her house to the truck in a few hours. That was an emotionally powerful experience to be a part of. People put their love for Tessa into action. Compassion is not passive; it is an active practice that can do a great deal when a group of people work together. Somehow my love for Tessa, while doing my part in helping her move with others who cared deeply for her, became a gift for me.

Even though the loss of Tessa hurts, she continues to teach me about keeping my heart open and being gentle and compassionate to myself and others. Through loss, pain, or sadness we can either shield or protect our heart or we can let it break wide open, allowing ourselves to increase and deepen the capacity for feeling and loving.

There is a compassionate presence on this island. We hear about the lengths friends go to be there for one another, the way people support those in need, who are sick, going through challenging times, or have experienced a loss. We do this for others by showing up. And by being present to ourselves, our families, friends, and neighbors with open hearts and helping hands.

- G. Blycker

Love is a basic human need that comes from an inexhaustible source. Most spiritual disciplines associate the Divine with love. Love is not merely an existential need. There is a growing body of scientific research that shows a causal relationship between love and health, happiness, and peace of mind. Love can be experienced as energy and can physically be seen, neurologically and biochemically, when the body responds by releasing neuropeptides from the emotional center of the brain.

If love is so essential and, philosophically, readily available, why is it that at times we may feel disconnected from love, unloved, or lacking in love in some way?

For insight and understanding of your own experience, it is helpful to think back to your childhood and what your family beliefs were around loving and being loved. Perhaps it was learned that love had to be earned through achievement, entertaining others, following rules, being “good”, attending to others needs, pleasing others, or by being strong. Maybe love was unconditional, and you felt loved for who you are, regardless of what you did or did not do.

This template of belief organizes perceptions and expectations for future relationships. Relationships tend to be crucibles to revisit old patterns and provide opportunities for healing old wounds or unmet needs. They are potentials for new possibilities or a chance to unconsciously repeat what has been familiar, regardless of how satisfying the past has been. These beliefs mediate what we select from our environment to experience which explains why we may not feel loved even when it is right there in front of us. Sometimes it is not enough to have love present, we also need to learn how to receive it as well as give it. Things feel best when love is flowing in a reciprocal exchange.

Successful and satisfying relationships require more than love. (If only it were that simple!) They require awareness, attention to needs, growth, intimacy, respect, a sense of fairness, effective communication and conflict resolution. There needs to be time for work, play, and rest.

Taking the time for understanding yourself or someone else can often be a gateway for the experience of love. Misunderstanding, frustration, confusion, anger, and blame certainly do well to block the flow of positive feelings. How much of ourselves, our senses, and our attention we are able to bring to an experience and a relationship is directly related to the depth of intimacy potential.

In order to increase self-awareness, one idea to experiment with is to find a quiet time to explore and notice what is occurring inside you. Bring attention to your senses with a body scan from head to toe. What do you notice about the depth and quality of your breath, your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and your internal environment? Within this experiment you may then include someone you care about in your field of awareness. Let the experience of this person and moment be new. Fine tune your inquiry and observe like you are discovering things for the first time. A willingness to let go and loosen the stronghold of what you believe is possible for yourself and others allow for extraordinary potentials.

Another idea to communicate love and appreciation for who someone is, comes from a graduate class I took six years ago. My professor, Dr. Jack Childs, called the exercise “Strength Bombardment”. After a semester of getting to know one another in a Human Relations class, we were assigned to write a list of strengths and positive attributes we appreciated about each person. Each person had a turn hearing what class members had experienced about them. It was powerful to hear common themes which validated the feedback and it was surprisingly hard to take in all the positive and loving appreciation. Dr. Childs’ “Bombardment” exercise was aptly titled in that if felt overwhelming, in a wonderful way. We all tend to see deeper into who someone is than we commonly talk about.

Seeing the light in one another and also communicating what we see, takes practice. The more love we let flow through us to others the more love we receive in return. The more we give, the more we get, and the more we realize it comes from an infinite source. Feeling loved is worth more than any possible gift. We just have to make sure we are prepared for the gift.

Copyright 2006, 2007 Gretchen Blycker.

Religious traditions and cultures can be adept and influential at regulating our general feelings in a temporary way. For example, in December, when we grieve the diminishing light and growing darkness of the days, we respond by decorating with lights and evergreens for the holidays. We also enjoy an injection of positive feelings preparing for the holidays like generosity, joy, excitement, and love. By the time February rolls around, the days are getting longer though it can feel cold, dreary, and lifeless. Our spirits may feel this way too, which is why Valentine’s Day is so perfectly timed, when an infusion of love and chocolate is welcome.

We are affected on a more personal level by what we learned from the culture of our individual families regarding what we do with emotions. Do we overpower others with them, minimize them, ignore them, fear them, share them, keep them private, or choose to feel only a few? Regardless of personality style and how one expresses themselves, the most important thing is to EXPLORE THEM. Be curious about your longings, fears, needs, passions, wounds, interests, etc. Wake up to yourself.

We tend to use many things for external regulation of our internal experiences, or emotions. We can rely on another person or relationship, situations, television, caffeine, alcohol, exercise, medication, shopping, food, or the weather to help us feel a certain way on the surface, for a short time. There are endless sources of distraction and ways to fill empty spaces, but it can be much more interesting and satisfying to explore what happens in the dark quiet moments with ourselves.

So why is it a good idea to explore beliefs and emotions beneath the surface? In order to find meaningful nourishment and satisfaction in life that meets the unique needs of your roots (or unconscious behavior driving beliefs, experiences, and emotions), you need to go under the surface and explore the root system.
The purpose is not to hold onto old pain or stagnant, growth limiting feelings, but rather to understand what the deepest parts of you need and to identify what requires updating. Then your brain literally strengthens new neuronal pathways that help lead to change (using the root analogy you can grow new offshoots that support new growth).

Having awareness of our internal experiences is important because whether they are conscious or not, our thoughts and feelings physically affect us and others. Science is discovering many ways to explore the physical effects thoughts and feelings have on the body. Despite the limitations of empirical methods to explore and measure the mysteries of existence, we continue to learn from creative scientists. Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese physician and scientist has a body of work that shows how thoughts and feelings change water molecules. Because babies are about 90% water and adults are 75% water, we can deduce that if thoughts have a direct influence on water, thoughts have a significant impact on us and those around us.

Dr. Emoto uses high speed photography to capture how thoughts, words, and feelings change the formation of ice crystals. He shows in his book “The Hidden Messages in Water”, that water responds to positive feelings and words by forming various beautiful complex crystal patterns. When water is exposed to negative harsh feelings, words, or sounds they make deformed crystals or blob-like shapes. Things were either said or written down and taped to a bottle of water, showing that even when things are not spoken the essence still has an effect. The way things are said make a difference as well as shown by the way a lovely and delicate crystal is formed with the words, “let’s do it!” as opposed to the dark circular shape formed by the command, “do it!”. Photos were taken after elementary school children said either “you’re cute”, which formed a simple and lovely crystal, or “you fool”, which formed something that looks like a picture of a disease at the cellular level from a biology book. The feelings of love and gratitude formed the most exquisite crystals.

The discovery that our feelings emanate from us to affect others is something that most people would agree they sense on some level. The evidence that the contents of our consciousness transmit outside ourselves and make physical changes underscores the importance to be aware of what we are sending out. For example, if an ignored feeling of frustration or dissatisfaction is leaking into what one is communicating to others, both people may be missing out on what the true intention may be. We communicate things whether we say them or not.

Because our emotional world is not contained within, but rather influences those around us, we are choosing to be responsible when we survey what is happening inside. It is an act of kindness for yourself and others to be clear, authentic, and congruent. If we are brave enough to go inside and tend to the garden of the soul we don’t have to wait until spring to experience growth and awakening.