HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR SEXUALITY AFTER TRAUMA
BY REINA GATTUSO | 01/21/2020
I appreciated my conversation with Reina Gattuso who interviewed me for this vulnerable and thoughtful piece she wrote about reconnecting, healing, and loving.
“Ending an abusive relationship felt like being reborn: slowly, painfully, sharp as shattered glass. My body had been rearranged, Mr. Potato Head-style, into something new, simultaneously more sensitive and blunter, more empathic but liable to shut down unexpectedly—on the sidewalk, in the bedroom, in the grocery store.
Many of us, especially women and queer people, have survived some kind of sexual or intimate trauma. Our stories are unique, and all our experiences are valid. We might be sexually assaulted as an adult, or have a history of childhood sexual abuse. We might be traumatized from an experience of harassment, or from having our boundaries pushed in an unhealthy relationship.
Whatever our stories, sexual trauma can change how we experience our bodies, our desires, and our sense of self. “Trauma can influence our beliefs about ourselves,” says Gretchen Blycker, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice, who teaches Human Sexuality at the University of Rhode Island. These self-image changes, in turn, can affect our sexualities, both with partners and solo, making it difficult to connect.
It might not feel this way, but the reality is all of these reactions are normal ways our bodies attempt to keep us safe—remnants of the flight, fight, or freeze response that activates during traumatic experiences. It’s natural to want to hide from these intense and often painful reactions. But to truly heal and embrace our sexualities after trauma, Blycker advocates experiencing our bodies and feelings through a mindful approach. “Creating a mindful space is incredibly efficient and intuitive,” says Blycker. “It’s really accessing a person’s own inner knowing, higher self, and also the body’s wisdom.”
We can choose to see the effects of trauma as an invitation to know ourselves, to honor our own resilience, and to give ourselves what we need to heal. When we understand trauma as a starting point to listen to and love ourselves, we can rediscover and deepen our profound capacity for pleasure.”
“Ending an abusive relationship felt like being reborn: slowly, painfully, sharp as shattered glass. My body had been rearranged, Mr. Potato Head-style, into something new, simultaneously more sensitive and blunter, more empathic but liable to shut down unexpectedly—on the sidewalk, in the bedroom, in the grocery store.
Many of us, especially women and queer people, have survived some kind of sexual or intimate trauma. Our stories are unique, and all our experiences are valid. We might be sexually assaulted as an adult, or have a history of childhood sexual abuse. We might be traumatized from an experience of harassment, or from having our boundaries pushed in an unhealthy relationship.
Whatever our stories, sexual trauma can change how we experience our bodies, our desires, and our sense of self. “Trauma can influence our beliefs about ourselves,” says Gretchen Blycker, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice, who teaches Human Sexuality at the University of Rhode Island. These self-image changes, in turn, can affect our sexualities, both with partners and solo, making it difficult to connect.
It might not feel this way, but the reality is all of these reactions are normal ways our bodies attempt to keep us safe—remnants of the flight, fight, or freeze response that activates during traumatic experiences. It’s natural to want to hide from these intense and often painful reactions. But to truly heal and embrace our sexualities after trauma, Blycker advocates experiencing our bodies and feelings through a mindful approach. “Creating a mindful space is incredibly efficient and intuitive,” says Blycker. “It’s really accessing a person’s own inner knowing, higher self, and also the body’s wisdom.”
We can choose to see the effects of trauma as an invitation to know ourselves, to honor our own resilience, and to give ourselves what we need to heal. When we understand trauma as a starting point to listen to and love ourselves, we can rediscover and deepen our profound capacity for pleasure.”
PSYCHIATRIC TIMES: CONTINUING MEDICAL EDUCATION RESOURCE
TO HELP IDENTIFY WHEN PORNOGRAPHY BECOMES A PROBLEM
BY BRAND, BLYCKER + POTENZA | 12/13/2019
WHEN PORNOGRAPHY BECOMES A PROBLEM: CLINICAL INSIGHTS
Matthias Brand, PhD — Gretchen R. Blycker, LMHC — Marc N. Potenza, MD, PhD
Although both internet and non-internet pornography may share features, the availability of pornography on the internet has altered consumption patterns, which may have a significant effect on psychiatric and physical health, intimate relationships, and other aspects of functioning. The contributing factors include convenience and perceived anonymity of pornography use on the internet, affordability, accessibility, and the opportunity to escape from reality. Practically speaking, the seemingly endless and diverse sexual material may fit with all sorts of sexual fantasies. The material can be accessed anonymously, irrespective of time and place—this ease of use may become problematic for individuals who have characteristics that put them at increased risk for addiction.
Classification and diagnostic criteria
Compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD), including problematic pornography use, is included in ICD-11 as an impulse-control disorder. As such, problematic pornography use may be considered a form of CSBD. Although CSBD is classified as an impulse-control disorder, the diagnostic criteria for the disorder are very similar to those for disorders due to addictive behaviors. A comparison of diagnostic criteria for CSBD and disorders due to addictive behaviors (using gaming disorder as an example) is provided in Table 1.
Based on extant data, problematic pornography use may be considered a behavioral addiction. A more detailed discussion of classification and diagnostic procedures can be found in a recent systematic review of literature related to problematic pornography use.1 Prevalence estimates for CSBD have not been systematically evaluated, but may be roughly between 5% and 12%, with males being twice as likely to experience features of CSBD or related phenomena.
Prevalence estimates are currently imprecise because different scales have been used across studies; moreover, most studies do not distinguish problematic pornography use from other (hyper)sexual behaviors. However, one national sample showed “clinically relevant levels of distress and/or impairment associated with difficulty controlling sexual feelings, urges, and behaviors” in 8.6% of individuals (10.3% of men and 7.0% of women).2 In another report sexual impulsivity was acknowledged by 14.7% of individuals (18.9% of men and 10.9% of women).3 These data suggest that a large proportion of US adults are experiencing clinically relevant features of CSBD.
Problematic internet pornography use can also be a concern in individuals with normal/average socio-sexual behaviors, which means that these individuals have a specific problem in controlling their internet pornography consumption, but not hypersexual behaviors in other domains. It is therefore important to define whether problems related to pornography are only one component of CSBD that may co-exist with compulsive sexual behaviors offline (eg, frequent sexual intercourse with multiple partners, going to prostitutes, anonymous sexual contacts). When making treatment decisions, it is important to consider potentially addictive aspects of the behavior, such as experiencing gratification and cravings (eg, responses to triggers or pornography-related stimuli) as well as impaired control of pornography consumption despite adverse consequences.
Matthias Brand, PhD — Gretchen R. Blycker, LMHC — Marc N. Potenza, MD, PhD
Although both internet and non-internet pornography may share features, the availability of pornography on the internet has altered consumption patterns, which may have a significant effect on psychiatric and physical health, intimate relationships, and other aspects of functioning. The contributing factors include convenience and perceived anonymity of pornography use on the internet, affordability, accessibility, and the opportunity to escape from reality. Practically speaking, the seemingly endless and diverse sexual material may fit with all sorts of sexual fantasies. The material can be accessed anonymously, irrespective of time and place—this ease of use may become problematic for individuals who have characteristics that put them at increased risk for addiction.
Classification and diagnostic criteria
Compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD), including problematic pornography use, is included in ICD-11 as an impulse-control disorder. As such, problematic pornography use may be considered a form of CSBD. Although CSBD is classified as an impulse-control disorder, the diagnostic criteria for the disorder are very similar to those for disorders due to addictive behaviors. A comparison of diagnostic criteria for CSBD and disorders due to addictive behaviors (using gaming disorder as an example) is provided in Table 1.
Based on extant data, problematic pornography use may be considered a behavioral addiction. A more detailed discussion of classification and diagnostic procedures can be found in a recent systematic review of literature related to problematic pornography use.1 Prevalence estimates for CSBD have not been systematically evaluated, but may be roughly between 5% and 12%, with males being twice as likely to experience features of CSBD or related phenomena.
Prevalence estimates are currently imprecise because different scales have been used across studies; moreover, most studies do not distinguish problematic pornography use from other (hyper)sexual behaviors. However, one national sample showed “clinically relevant levels of distress and/or impairment associated with difficulty controlling sexual feelings, urges, and behaviors” in 8.6% of individuals (10.3% of men and 7.0% of women).2 In another report sexual impulsivity was acknowledged by 14.7% of individuals (18.9% of men and 10.9% of women).3 These data suggest that a large proportion of US adults are experiencing clinically relevant features of CSBD.
Problematic internet pornography use can also be a concern in individuals with normal/average socio-sexual behaviors, which means that these individuals have a specific problem in controlling their internet pornography consumption, but not hypersexual behaviors in other domains. It is therefore important to define whether problems related to pornography are only one component of CSBD that may co-exist with compulsive sexual behaviors offline (eg, frequent sexual intercourse with multiple partners, going to prostitutes, anonymous sexual contacts). When making treatment decisions, it is important to consider potentially addictive aspects of the behavior, such as experiencing gratification and cravings (eg, responses to triggers or pornography-related stimuli) as well as impaired control of pornography consumption despite adverse consequences.
POETRY ABOUT SEXUAL HEALTH: SEEDS OF AWAKENING
BY GRETCHEN BLYCKER, LMHC, LMT, CYT
The following audio poems are written and recorded by Gretchen Blycker. The first two are interpretations of the awakened feminine and masculine. An Awakened Aphrodite exemplifies an enlightened, confident, compassionate, self-respecting, and bright expression of the feminine. She knows how to embody the sacred feminine. Since an Awakened Aphrodite respects her whole self, she respects her sexuality. She loves her authentic sexual self, and with that love and respect comes a reverence for the sensual experiences of erotic energy within. An Awakened Adonis exemplifies an enlightened, mind/body integrated, powerful, trustworthy, honorable expression of the masculine. He knows how to embody the sacred masculine. He is deeply connected to himself and knows how to deeply connect with others. An Awakened Adonis is also not constrained by cultural dictations of appropriating gendered limitations of emotional expression or enjoying the flow or embodiment of energy polarities, that innately exist in every one. His authentic self has been nurtured to know the freedom and full range of wisdom that is possible with the cultivation of emotional intelligence, articulation, and fluency.
Awakening Aphrodite + Adonis symbolizes the practice of bringing awareness and wisdom to our inner and interpersonal dramas. This is an integration of Eastern traditions of enlightenment with Western mythology and science of understanding our human nature, our basic drives and instincts. The poetry shared here is a distillation from experiences in life, from a mindfulness-based sexual and relational heath psychotherapy practice working with individuals and couples over years, and from 10 years learning from and teaching undergraduate students in a human sexuality class at a university.
The poetry themes, that draw from the collective stories of nearly a thousand people, explore; the sacred feminine and masculine, perspectives on sexual mores and sexual scripts, healing from sexual trauma, objectification culture, problematic pornography use, pornography induced erectile dysfunction, managing communication and connection in relationship, boundaries in relationship, mindful living, sacred sexuality, and awakening sexual empathy.
These poems are offered as an exploration of these various human experiences and to convey expressions of inner emotions, sexual feelings, and relational dynamics that our verbal codes and contexts of language are often insufficient to capture with accuracy.
One suggestion, if you choose to listen to one of these poems, is that you do so while mindfully observing what arises in you as you take in the information.
Awakening Aphrodite + Adonis symbolizes the practice of bringing awareness and wisdom to our inner and interpersonal dramas. This is an integration of Eastern traditions of enlightenment with Western mythology and science of understanding our human nature, our basic drives and instincts. The poetry shared here is a distillation from experiences in life, from a mindfulness-based sexual and relational heath psychotherapy practice working with individuals and couples over years, and from 10 years learning from and teaching undergraduate students in a human sexuality class at a university.
The poetry themes, that draw from the collective stories of nearly a thousand people, explore; the sacred feminine and masculine, perspectives on sexual mores and sexual scripts, healing from sexual trauma, objectification culture, problematic pornography use, pornography induced erectile dysfunction, managing communication and connection in relationship, boundaries in relationship, mindful living, sacred sexuality, and awakening sexual empathy.
These poems are offered as an exploration of these various human experiences and to convey expressions of inner emotions, sexual feelings, and relational dynamics that our verbal codes and contexts of language are often insufficient to capture with accuracy.
One suggestion, if you choose to listen to one of these poems, is that you do so while mindfully observing what arises in you as you take in the information.
- Be curious about your reactions.
- What resonates, what doesn’t?
- What is familiar or foreign?
- Are there any memories or images that are evoked for you? Are there any new or different perceptions or perspectives that you identify?
- Can you practice imagining yourself in any of the masculine or feminine perspectives that the different voices in the poems speak from?
- Please feel free to change the gender of the pronouns, the intention is not to be heteronormative or gender limiting, but inclusive and honoring of individual differences.
HELPFUL LINKS FOR CLIENTS
Hakomi Institute – Psychotherapy which combines the Eastern traditions of mindfulness and non-violence with a unique, highly effective Western methodology.
World Health Organization (WHO)- Promoting sexual health and addressing issues and concerns.
Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP)- Evidenced based treatment for addictive behaviors. Website includes audio recordings of MBRP practices.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA)- Agency website with resources to promote public health.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)- Anti-sexual violence organization which also operates a hotline (800-656-HOPE)
Male Survivor- A non-profit organization "committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all form of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism."
SAA- "A fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or dependency."
PAA- "A 12-step fellowship for those seeking recovery from an addiction to pornography."
Your Brain on Porn- Resources for recovery.
NoFap- "A community-centered sexual health platform, designed to help you overcome porn addiction, porn overuse, or compulsive sexual behavior."
Reboot Nation- Community support and resources for awareness and addressing "artificial sexual stimulation (i.e. pornography)" problems like pornography-induced erectile dysfunction.
RESEARCH ARTICLE ABOUT INSIGHT INTO SEXUAL MOTIVATION
Research that supports the importance of communication about motivation and expectations in sexual relationships.